When you think of sexual desire, you often think of one thing: craving sex. But what does sexual desire mean? It is a feeling that accompanies an unsatisfied state. Desire can lead to new better things but can also lead us to trouble. But what is it? It simply means the coming together of visual, biochemical, emotional, and biomechanical cues that trigger a hormonal cascade that may culminate in the successful fertilization of an egg by a sperm according to sexologist Miss Jaiya and Ellen Heed.
Sexual desire can change from moment to moment. One minute you’re feeling frisky, and the next moment you just feel like a cup of tea. There are two types of sexual desires; Spontaneous and Responsive desire.
Spontaneous desire is exactly what it sounds like; feeling in the mood for sex out of nowhere, or without any stimulation. For instance, you’re studying or scrubbing dirty dishes and thinking, hmmm, sex would be great right now. Or while you’re at a grocery store and maybe a cutie passes by and makes you tingle ‘down there’. It’s a crazy-passionate drive you see in the movies.
On the other hand, Responsive desire is when the desire to have sex starts after the action is initiated. Something sexy happens and you’re in the mood. You don’t crave sex spontaneously but you enjoy it once you’re warmed up. In the past, a lot of sex therapists and psychologists characterized spontaneous desire as ‘male’ and responsive desire as ‘female’. But as with most labels, we now know it’s more nuanced and complex than that. Both these desires are completely normal and healthy for both men and women.
The National Coalition for Sexual Health (NCHS) and Altarum, called the Five Action Steps, aims to end the unhealthy and often silent culture around sexual pleasure. The steps focus on normalizing conversations around sex and provide real-life skills and information about physical intimacy and sex.
Telling someone what you do and don’t like or what isn’t a mood killer, but lack of comprehensive sex education has made young people feel like they are in the dark about how to have a healthy, consensual romantic relationship. Being able to talk freely and honestly about our desires has splendid results in achieving pleasure. Talk about your desires of choice, your partner's like, and dislikes, finding out what kind of desire your partner enjoys, the position they like, and most importantly how you both are comfortable practicing safe sex.
OPENING UP ABOUT YOUR FANTASIES WITH YOUR PARTNER.
Start talking about your preferences initially, fantasies, and ideas can make it easier. It could be “what’s the hottest thing someone’s ever done for you?” Start asking questions you want to ask. When it comes to sharing fantasies, “start low, and go slow”, begin with tame, vanilla fantasies to see how your partner responds. This will help build trust and intimacy.
There are many categories when to comes to sex; multi-partner sex; rough sex; novelty and adventure; voyeurism and fetishes; non-monogamous sex; deeper emotional connection; and gender fluidity. Sharing our fantasies- whether we act on them or not- is an easy way to introduce novelty into our lives. And simply expressing them may be arousing enough.
Good sex is when you’re a tourist and not a tour guide. And you also want to be the tourist in these conversations.
MANAGEMENT AND CONTROL.
There are many ways through which one can control their sexual urge. For instance; minimizing the sexual thoughts as soon as they arise in the mind. You can do this by simply changing the activity you are doing by changing focus. You can also talk about it, if you’re not happy with your sex life, seeking therapy can help you. Establishing what you want from your life in general and then working out realistic ways to get it can help you feel more in control. Furthermore, channeling your sexual energy into other things like doing something creative, physical, thrilling, and spiritual.
These were some ways through which one can take control over their sex drive. But we are always thinking to get rid of something which could make us get more attached to it than get rid of it. You cannot get rid of anything forcefully.
As Sadhguru said, sexuality is just a “small” part of you. People have become overly sexual only because of stupid morality because they are trying to forcefully drop it. And, the reason why you are running behind sexuality is that that’s the biggest pleasure you know.
The problem is not about having a high or low libido (sex drive), it is the restriction against nurturing young adults the meaning of sex and romanticism. The more you tend to hide it the more it attracts other people which is nothing but simple human mind psychology. We are always interested in things we have never heard or seen. Things that are labeled as “bad”. For instance, how we all bunked schools and caught sneaking out for late-night adventures?
When there is nobody to explain what type of behavior is wrong and which one is right to respect and accept sexuality than how will one simply acknowledge it? Unfortunately, even the education given on sex is foolish. Because elders mostly teach us about not having any sexual thoughts and say “you must be pure, you must not think about this.’’ If people look at life the way it is, sexuality will fall into its rightful place. Our minds are instructed that sex is bad, talking about sex is utterly shameful. But instead, it should be taught about how normal sex is to be a part of a healthy life.